The Weft

Dear Ones,

My grandmother was a weaver. She had a loom in a tiny room in the house that I knew her in.  The room might have been a mudroom originally, but her loom fit exactly in one corner of the room. There were 3 doors into this tiny room, so not much wall space. The little that remained was filled with books.

I was fascinated by her weavings and sometimes she let me “help.” The warp are the vertical threads that form the structure of the weaving. The weft is threaded horizontally through these to create the weaving, and changing weft colors and fibers is one way to create patterns. After a weft row is threaded through the warp, the weaver pulls the beater bar back to ensure the weft row is tight. It’s more complicated than this, but that is my childhood memory of the basics. There was some magic going on below too with treadles that would raise and lower parts, also to create patterns, but that was beyond my understanding.

I have a few pieces my grandma wove. My favorites are small weavings she used as placemats. The warp on these was red string, and she tore an old white sheet into strips to use as the weft. Using those magic treadles, she practiced different patterns. I also have a beautiful white table cloth and placemats, flecked with silver, that she wove as a wedding gift for my parents.

Lately life feels like weaving together different strands of weft into the warp structure of this lifetime. Unlike my grandma, I have no idea what pattern I’m weaving, and wait to see it as it emerges.

Grandma's practice placemats, loom, and tabecloth

Terra Cotta (Cancer)

Terra cotta is a nubby yarn, leaving random texture in the pattern. There is a lot of terra cotta in this weaving recently.

I finally have an oncologist again, and she seems great which is a big relief. I feel kind of like a child who is comforted by having a grownup in charge again. We went over my case in detail. It’s unusual she reminded me, in that the origin of the cancer in my breast has never appeared distinctly in imaging, nor can it be felt. But it was/is clearly there because it seeded itself elsewhere. It’s complex in the ways that it has manifested. It is now active again in my bones which means it is time to change treatments. Again. More tests to figure out what treatment is next. The good news is that there are more treatments. New treatments will come with new side effects, and those will reveal themselves in time, an unwanted gift that I can’t refuse.

Grey (Grief)

Grey is a mohair yarn, with wispy and sometimes prickly fibers that poke out of the weaving in unpredictable places. Grey recurs in the pattern, but mostly it does not dominate.

Grief is always with me. At no time am I unaware of life’s brevity, and the feeling of colossal loss is always just beneath the surface. Every failed treatment brings its own grief. Since grief is here to stay, best to acknowledge and feel it and learn to walk hand in hand. Sometimes grief can be a teacher. Sometimes it is just shitty. Most important for me is to remember that grief does not preclude joy.

Golden Brown (Baking)

Golden brown is the color of the apple cider I used to make muffins this week, or of the top of a perfectly baked pie. Patches of golden brown often appear alongside the grey. Baking is often my step away from the heavy feelings back into the everyday beauty of life, rooted in the senses.

Yellow (Inspiration)

Deep yellows pushing towards orange need to recur in this pattern over and over. When the weight of the world is too much (and it is so heavy now), when the weight of life is too much, I need the light of inspiration. 

This week it came through attending the Revolutionary Love Tour with Valarie Kaur and hearing sacred Sikh stories and music. She says, “Revolutionary Love is the call of our times. It is to look upon the face of anyone and say: You are a part of me I do not yet know.” Acts of love can change everything, even and especially in times as fractured as ours. Her guest at this stop was Kevin John Fong who told a beautiful story of the wisdom his grandmother poured into the soups she made daily. His question for all of us was “What is your gift?” The gift of who you are in the world, not so much what you do, or a skill you are good at. And further he asked, what if we were to see each other, every one, as gifted?

Last night we watched Will and Harper on Netflix which was such a beautiful, funny and poignant portrait of the relationship between two friends as one steps into her life after transitioning.

In times such as these, I need to seek out inspiration.

Blue (Stillness)

Blue is the softest yarn in the pattern –– even the hue is soft. The pattern is incomplete without this color, and I must always remember to weave in this blue.

I love to be still, to be quiet. This week I went to a very gentle yoga class, in which I was even more gentle with this body. It was good to be on the mat again in the body I live in now, which is so different from the body I used to practice in. The best was to be still, to be quiet with intention together with other people. It’s not an experience I have that often these days, and it made me realize how much I miss it. It also reminded me that shaping my stillness or quiet with intention deepens it in wonderful ways.

Green (Gratitude)

Green is a variegated yarn with so many shades of green, just like the garden. It is full of life.

I am so grateful this week for my wife on our anniversary. When we got married during COVID four years ago, we had no idea that the pandemic was only the tip of our iceberg. In sickness and in health wasn’t supposed to become so relevant, so soon.

And through it all, she is my rock, my safe harbor, my love. I am so lucky.

just married, chemo days, 2024 summer fun

The pattern is not yet clear to this weaver. I weave with what I am given. I think we all do. But we can seek out strands of colors to add to our weaving. I’ll be looking to add some oranges of fun along with turquoise and magentas of creativity. And there is always room for sparkling threads of joy.

And so fellow weavers, keep weaving. And maybe consider Kevin Fong’s question: What is your gift? I think mine is a grounded presence. I’d love to hear what your gifts are.

Thank you for being here. It’s such a gift to have you on the other end of this. Sharing is always welcome.

Lots of love,

Maija

Song of the Week: Because life truly is extraordinary: Extraordinary by Michael Franti. Because some days we make it through breath by breath:  Just Breathe, this version from Willie Nelson and Lukas Nelson.

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