All Through the Night

a hospice story

Dear Friends,

My beloved father passed away on May 3 at sunrise. He had a week of hospice care at home which was frankly grueling. It was also beautiful. It was his wish to come home from the hospital to die, and I am grateful that we could honor that. It was an all hands on deck experience for the family as he needed round the clock care. He was surrounded by love until his final breath.

I’ll write another time about what I wish I knew about home hospice before undertaking it, as well as about my father.

Everyone’s hospice experience is different. For my father, although he was a kind and gentle man in life, he was extremely agitated for a good part of the week. It took four of us at times to keep him in bed where he needed to be. Sifting through memory for anything that might be calming, I turned to singing. He loved music, and he loved to sing. I went through all kinds of songs, with one prompting another. Time folded the moments into something beautiful, origami blending the past and present. (This time folding seems to be a theme for me lately.) It felt like it was a portal to some peace for him. I hope so anyway.

I returned to two songs in particular:  What Wondrous Love, which is an old Appalachian hymn that he asked to be sung at his memorial, and All Through the Night, a lullaby that he sang to me when I was young.

For today, I’ll leave it here while I take some time to mourn and celebrate him.

Hold your loved ones tight. Have the conversations. Say all the things.

All Through the Night

In his agitation, he reached out his arms: “Stand me up.”
He pleaded, he demanded, he even spelled it out: “J.U.S.T.S.T.A.N.D.”
No longer fully with us, he’d forgotten that his legs would not support him.

Dying is not easy.
The body holds on while the mind is suspended between worlds.
The heart, the soul? – they are somewhere in there, behind the agitation.

You’re safe Dad. Let’s sing.
I sing old hymns and folk songs that he loved.
For me it is a walk back through time.
For him, I hope it is a comfort.

I begin a lullaby, the one he sang to me when I was a child–
my favorite bedtime ritual.
“Sleep my child and peace attend thee, all through the night.”

I hear his voice steady in my memory.
A baritone.
I feel him rubbing my back as he sings.

Today, I hold his hand, I rub his arm.
“Guardian angels, God will send thee, all through the night.”
My voice is slow, steady.

His lips move and from somewhere deep in his transition,
he makes a guttural sound.
I read his lips,
and understand that he is singing with me.

Echoing across decades,
time and our voices weave together.
“Soft the drowsy hours are creeping, hill and vale in slumber sleeping.”

I’m here Dad and it’s okay. You’re safe. We’re all here.
When my voice falters, I hum.
I rock slowly, back and forth, comforting both of us.
“I, my loving watch am keeping, all through the night.”

I sing for him.
I sing for me.
Over and over,
as he journeys home.

Thank you for being here.  Please share this post with folks who might be interested.

Peace be with you,

Maija

Here is a link to Jean Ritchie’s version of What Wondrous Love and to a particularly beautiful rendition of All Through the Night with Aoife O’Donovan, Chris Thile, YoYo Ma and more. It is an old Welsh lullaby with many variations of the lyrics.

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